“It’s the economy, asshole.”

Dear Kissinger,

This recession is killing me.

Seriously, it’s the last fucking thing I need right now. Here I was, all set with a fine fear-based campaign message rich with patriotism, and now I have to address a practical concern that has my hands tied.

First of all, let’s face it Hank, there’s not much I can do to spark the economy. Tax cuts for the middle class? Yeah, okay. How? Since I’m in the pockets of corporate investors to the tune of tens-of-millions, I can’t very well raise their taxes — so where’s the money gonna come from? Iraq ain’t cheap, and I’ve pledged to keep us there as long as possible. Can’t go back on that.

Second (and this is what really has me walking on egg shells), how long can I talk about economic reform before Obama’s camp wises up and pulls out my S&L file? I’ve been chewing my fingernails over this for weeks, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Christ Hank, I was one of the Keating Five! There’s no way that old disaster doesn’t get resurrected between now and November. And you thought the swift-boat thing did damage. Good God almighty.

Sometimes it shames me that I suffered so much for this country. These people today...fine, I'll say it: they’re selfish pricks. We live in a country that comprises me-first bastards who care more about their own wallets than about fighting terrorism.

And why, because gas prices got a little high and the dollar got a little low? Let me ask you: Was I worried about the value of the fucking dollar when I was locked up in a tiger cage? No.

Suck my dick, America,
John

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