Something’s gotta give.
I’ve been on the campaign trail too long. Every moment of every day I’m forced to measure every word, every facial expression…always under the glare of the spotlight…always wary to slip, lest the goddamn liberal media pick me apart like buzzards.
Ahh! Wow, that right there — that felt great, to be able to say that.
Really, I need to be able to say these things. I can’t hold it in any longer. Cindy suggested I talk to a therapist. Yeah, sure. Listen: that sort of thing is fine, I guess, if you’re a woman or a homo — but a real man is expected to take care of his own problems.
(Whew, damn! There again, that was great!)
Hmm. Maybe the answer is right in front of me. Yes. I’m just going to start writing this stuff down. Every time I need to get something off my chest, I’ll just get to the keyboard and type it out. Problem solved.
Phew. I feel better already. God bless America.
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This blog is a work of fiction, and is not intended to represent the actual thoughts or feelings of Senator John McCain. If anything written here does match that of the senator, the author pats himself on the back for having wicked good intuition. The author would like to note that he recognizes and appreciates Mr. McCain’s record of military service and the great physical and psychological sacrifices he made for his country. That said, the author also recognizes and lacks appreciation for the senator’s dubious record as a public servant. The author finds Mr. McCain to be a disingenuous, condescending megalomaniac with severe anger-management issues, who would do better to dedicate himself to years of psychotherapy than to, say, attempt to take the helm of the most powerful nation in the Western World.
The darkest private thoughts of a would-be President
Did you know that John McCain...?
· Cheated repeatedly on his first wife Carol, who waited for him while he was imprisoned in Vietnam. He eventually left her and his children in 1979, to run off a with multi-millionaire named Cindy.
· Fought against a bill that would recognize Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a federal holiday (for seven years!).
· Took bribes as a member of the “Keating Five” — a group of senators who were paid off to interfere with an investigation of illegal activities that sparked the S&L Crisis (which cost tens-of-thousands of elderly investors their life savings, and cost the American people $175 billion in bail-out money).
· Masturbates to the sight of women’s bare feet.*
(*Okay, we made that last part up.)
· Fought against a bill that would recognize Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a federal holiday (for seven years!).
· Took bribes as a member of the “Keating Five” — a group of senators who were paid off to interfere with an investigation of illegal activities that sparked the S&L Crisis (which cost tens-of-thousands of elderly investors their life savings, and cost the American people $175 billion in bail-out money).
· Masturbates to the sight of women’s bare feet.*
(*Okay, we made that last part up.)
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DISCLAIMER
This blog is a work of fiction, and is not intended to represent the actual thoughts or feelings of Senator John McCain. If anything written here does match that of the senator, the author pats himself on the back for having wicked good intuition. The author would like to note that he recognizes and appreciates Mr. McCain’s record of military service and the great physical and psychological sacrifices he made for his country. That said, the author also recognizes and lacks appreciation for the senator’s dubious record as a public servant. The author finds Mr. McCain to be a disingenuous, condescending megalomaniac with severe anger-management issues, who would do better to dedicate himself to years of psychotherapy than to, say, attempt to take the helm of the most powerful nation in the Western World.
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